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Monthly Archives: September 2015

Divorcing

Our divorce may have been the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I say “our” because in the end, we mutually agreed to move forward … apart.

I learned three very important truths through the process of divorce:

  1. Every divorce is different. Your friends will try to relate your divorce to theirs or their parents’, but you have your own unique set of circumstances that led you to divorce and your process through it and after will not be the same.
  2. You contributed to the divorce. You can try to place blame but in the end it took two people to marry and it takes two people to separate. If you take a reflective look at your marriage, you will see that you contributed to the divorce. There is no need to qualify who is more to blame.
  3. You are in control of how you will respond. You may have learned by now that you can’t control or change your spouse. The only thing you can control is your response to him or her in the situations you will encounter moving forward.

After 5 years apart, and subsequently divorced, we are able to successfully co-parent and respect each other in a way we never did married. These statements have guided us and should be foundational to divorce:

The Divorce Vows

We vow to respect each other as individual people for who we are, not what we’ve done.

We vow to always look for a compromise and agree to disagree when necessary.

We vow to build a future that is free of judgment, guilt or blame, and not dictated by our past.

We vow to speak cordially to one another and to speak well of each other publicly, never putting the other down.

We vow to put our children first and our own needs and preferences aside.

We vow to acknowledge that we may parent differently, but that it does not mean we love our children any less, better or worse.

We vow to put aside our pride and come together to support our children through events, celebrations, and life’s ups and downs.

We vow to acknowledge and respect the often-difficult position of the other when it comes to time sharing, family gatherings, and significant others.

__________________

It has not been an easy journey. It never is. If you are going through a divorce, please read 10 Things Every Divorced Woman Should Do Before Starting To Date Again. It is not just about finding someone new, but more importantly, it is about finding yourself. And this … The Most Important Question of Your Life. Because it’s not about what you want. It’s about what pain you’re willing to endure.

The last truth that took me a long time to discover is this:

The easiest thing to loose in any relationship is yourself. 

 
3 Comments

Posted by on September 23, 2015 in Uncategorized

 

ad perpetuam memoriam

Today is the day my mother died

though I lost her the day I was born

Found by a family

who tried their best to love me

for her

Being welcomed into this world

meant saying goodbye

I was born into emptiness

It became my friend

Always there when I needed her

and when I wished she would go away

It’s the dull ache of belonging

in the pit of my stomach

It’s the dizziness imagining who you are

and trying to answer why

It’s the scars on my heart left by loneliness

until love made a way

weaving together the unraveled pieces

of who I am and who you were

To be reconciled to our family

destroyed by the loss of you

as I lost you

the day you gave me away

Today is the day my mother died

but her spirit is alive in me.

 
4 Comments

Posted by on September 2, 2015 in Uncategorized

 
 
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